hypocrite

I am a hypocrite.

I do what I hate people for doing.

I think people would be better off having never met me.

Don't write this off as low self-esteem, or self-worth. I cannot feel good about myself after having done horrible things to good people.

A friend told me, "all we can do is learn from our mistakes." I'm trying. And I've been trying for years. And nothing has changed.

I am a hypocrite.

the one

if "at the time" was the case

then you should've said that

at the time

instead of promising anything

lament

how many have you done this to
devastation to find "the one"
according to your own beliefs
this will come back to you

so while you go on killing
I go on laughing
knowing the reward
given hypocrites
will shatter your
hollow resolve
into shards of regret
fake this life
while you can

realization

sitting here waiting for something
destroying what's left of nothing
because it seems it's the same
thing you want out of me

the hope still clings on
I'm reduced to a pawn
taking what you leave me
as you try to forget me

all these days and these months
and these nights and these moments
only add up to what you let them
"at the time" I know you meant it

yet I mean all I said and I
will until you look away
even then I can't stop
from loving what I see

but now I know why
was right all along
after you dared to get angry
for me guessing the truth

but wishing you ill-will
and hating who you became (or always were?)
isn't "fair" of me
so I'll leave you two alone
and hopefully one day
he does the same thing to you

what you make of it

this surgery has been by the book

sycophantic bloodletter

have you filled your quota

have you soaked up enough of me

have you had your fill

take this emptiness and file it away

you "knew" before I heard you

there's been a slight complication

you left a scalpel inside

Many ideas only work as ideas. When put into practice, these ideas never work in the real world. But go on, be idealistic. Quote your damn latin (as if the "oldness" of the language makes the statement any more truthful). Quip one-liners to your friends to make yourself seem more intelligent. And no, life working 9-5 paying bills worrying about benefits and your future and those who you love and who love you isn't "fun," but when life comes crashing down around you, I guarantee no fucking pop-culture quote is going to save you.

invalidated

cycling through so many emotions in such a short time that it's impossible to decide which one I should believe in which one is right which one matters and I guess I'm ok I'm holding up I'm distracting I'm distraction I'm drinking I'm dying I'm living I'm lying no this isn't anything this isn't what I feel this isn't what I think what I think doesn't matter what I feel doesn't matter what I know is a lie this isn't you this isn't me can't be me can't be you can't be us please let it be me

all well and good

oh, it's all well and good
he's out of the picture
time to enjoy what you have
forget the love you professed
it's all well and good
once you're free of love
free to do anything
and everything
by yourself, or
with some cute new thing
who you haven't had to
promise to
haven't said you
loved
haven't wanted to lie to (yet)
but have
flirted with
kissed with
...and yes I count that too