ends up being

next time, go with gut instinct

relativity, loss, "fairness"
it's all a matter of values
whose life is more valuable? whose more meaningful?
you choose your own you choose hers you choose his
any choice results in loss
oblivious you think of no one
hypocrisy equals wisdom when it's you doing the thinking

what is the cost of your happiness? I am.

nobody takes the time
to learn anything
there is no motivation
except selfishness
regurgitate movie lines
to make your life a movie
with its happy ending
(which you give out like candy)
you lost everyone
the instant you sold yourself short
I'm so great
so much better than all the others
and so were you

"What hurts more than losing you...is knowing you're not fighting to keep me."

I'm not sure whether to feel entirely overlooked, angry, or just...
This time last year...no. Will not fall back into that.
History is repeating itself, but not on a whole. Seems I only get the shit end of everything this time around.

This is for you.
You are so mature. You've progressed so much further than the rest of us. You stand by every statement you've ever made.

This is for you.
There are not words enough to convey what this has been like. I've been completely honest, left nothing out, and still you take away what you're willing to hear and no more. And in the end you were worth none of it.

This is for you.
The only part you play in my life is one to be wary of.

This is for you.
You toss out tidbits as if you expect me to string myself along (and I have). I lay everything out before you, and you pretend not to hear. Despite everything some part of me still hangs on, though, and this is all the optimism I have left.

What's the use of talking if you don't say anything?

you

layman
a person who is a nonprofessional
who sees the world around them
and thinks nothing of it
who reads other peoples' lives
like editorials
and might think
"how inane"
lacking sense, significance, or ideas; silly
before moving on
to their standby
their The Party Was Ridiculous's
their We Won the Game's
their Life is Great's
everyone wants the good guy to win
the plane to land
the girl to stay
then the bad guy wins
the plane crashes
the girl leaves
and everyone boos
critics give a satisfactory grade
Girls' Nights are ruined
ticket sales plunge
while reality ticks by
killing thousands
breaking hearts
destroying lives
and you leave the theater and remark
"Now I want to rent a comedy."

a new instrument

a new outlet
something based on resistance
and letting go would = full
where you strain to hold on
and the longer you fight it
the harder it gets
so that your handmouthneckchestBODY

bleeds.

and the blood mixed with the sound
and no longer could anyone deny anything

old

i keep going out of habit
there is nothing out there for me
your world with its pixel people
grouped into herds by beauty
please someone prove me wrong
but this time
this time mean what you say
don't coddle me out of pity
friends don't let friends
is just a budweiser ad
home is where the heart is
is printed on pillows
i fall within acceptable losses
a write-off of depreciation
my debt is your salary
your selfish charity is obvious
merely a name in your book
a non-existent picture
with a faked smile
have you ever
covered up everything
but the eyes?

decibel

I want to scream into your eyes
deafen your sight
hold you so you can't look away

I want to tear apart my throat
pour myself out
so you can read what I can't speak

I want to be your last step
instead of your first
your end
rather than
your means

part 2

context and relevance

are these good or bad terms?

has "enough time passed" to change anything?

or do you lie yourself to sleep at night?


an apology of sorts

I'm sorry I'm not happy enough for you

since that is all that matters

am I bringing you down? have I ruined your day?

how rude of me.

remind me again how to act when this is reversed

oh, wait

that might ruin my coffee optimism

justdealwithitmoveonthingswillgetbetter(still?)

meaning

significance

don't even try

the type of person who

why do I continually fall in love with women who "love" everyone

would really like to know

"then I never will again"

don't ever say you will not do something conditional and when the condition arises not abide by your own statement

not recent but always relevant

We are the children of children; not knowing what to tell us, they regurgitate the hollow fallacies that were spoon-fed to them by their radiation democracy parents.
The answers must come from the sky, since death arrived correspondingly.

with every reason

nothing is worse than unequal love

I gave everything and you wanted nothing

or so you said

I was afraid of who I was and you said you loved all of me

or so you said

you have ruined me more than I thought possible

just fucking leave me here

like you promised not to do

after everything despite everything

I misshatelove you more than ever

or not

seeing and ignoring

hearing without listening

promising without meaning

assuming without asking

these are a few of my favorite things

you pick and choose

people can be heartless bastards. I am not excluding myself from this statement.

is it too much to ask for people to take responsibility? to stop assuming anything? to stop being afraid? to just say what they mean up front?

said it before, and it's more relevant now than ever: say what you mean. mean what you say.

but I guess that would be too easy.

language failure

for all my depressing rants

for all my songs

for all my "training"

I can't convey what I fully mean to anybody

help me

i am not doing so well lately. i am not as strong as i have lead people to believe.

i have never felt anything like this before. nothing compares to this.

i keep thinking that i've come so far in the last couple months...but i haven't. distraction is not a solution. and reciprocation is not a reason.

my god, i have no idea what i'm supposed to do

vent

something about today made it the worst in recent memory

even people at work who semi-know me commented on me being "out of it"

so I went home early. then just fucking lost it. for a good hour or so

and then practice was just the perfect end to a perfect day

if there is any truth to waking up on the prodigal wrong side of the bed, it was today

I have no time for myself. I am not doing what I want to be doing

I am not who I want to be

quarterly losses

nothing of value is without sacrifice

diminishing returns

value is based upon rarity

insert knife here. twist as indicated.

like standing alone in the desert

bloodied and starving

staring with dissolving eyes

crusted tears lining jaw

he'll remain here forever

waiting for rain that never comes

something's wrong

I shouldn't feel this way.

I told myself I wouldn't.

What have I done?

hilarious

...in that disgusting kind of way. A few things, which should be obvious yet I feel need to be stated anyway:

"It's not you, it's me" should always be translated as, "It's not me, it's you." I am guilty of using this one in the past (thankfully only once, before I admitted to myself what a load of shit it was), and have decided to never use it again.

Language. This isn't much of a subject change, more of a broad statement, really. I had a speech class professor once, who happened to be the best teacher I've ever had. Among his countless words of wisdom was this advice: "You have no control over other people's (re)actions, only over your own conscious acts. Since the majority of people form opinions based on what other people say, what you say should be something you think about very carefully before doing."

Every word you say should be meant to the fullest. If you don't fully mean what the word means, don't say it. If it's a temporally null concept (meaning restrictions/limits of time don't apply to it, for you laymen. And no, I'm not going to define what "laymen" means) such as, oh, I don't know, love or hate (to choose two at random), then the statement of either emotion should be considered highly before spoken, as the listener must be assumed to know the full meaning of either word and will base their (re)actions upon them accordingly.

So why not apply this to everyday life? How many people would be happier? Fucking tons. Can you even imagine that? Everyone meaning everything they said. All the time. Granted, there would be a lot less talking, but if you heard somebody speak you'd know it was worth listening to. Might be kinda nice.

So I've started it on my own. Not recently, really, but in the not-too-distant past. You'd think that my life would be much more fulfilling and my relationships with people would be absolutely amazing. And they would be. There's just one problem: No one else is doing what I'm doing. At least, nobody I've met so far. Where I mean every word I say (whether positively or negatively), other people twist words to mean what they do not, state things in such a way as to mislead you from the truth, leave out key words and don't consider it "lying," and/or generally just lie to your face.

If this sounds too analytical for your taste, think about what you've just read. What kind of person would you rather be?

a solution

Just don't look behind you.


Ever.

she found a lonely sound

I've found myself listening to Interpol, of all things. Or, at least, trying to.

Why is it that some songs can knock you back to where nothing else could take you?

The best songs are the ones which everyone can relate to in some way.

The worst songs are the ones which everyone can relate to in some way.

I have this strong feeling that no one understands me. That everything I've ever done has been a waste. That I'm stuck where I am. That nothing I do is getting me anywhere.

Nobody cares enough.

damn you, pink floyd

I

have become

comfortably numb

nevermind.

I'm running in place. Looking over my shoulder to see if I'm still in the race.

Maybe it's time I stopped running.

don't you love it

when people don't have the decency to tell you what's really going on

when people don't have the decency to tell you the whole truth

or they tell you half-truths

or because you didn't "word the question correctly," they don't "word the answer correctly"

or they just don't fucking tell you anything at all and let you find out on your own

it's latin for "to covet"

Came across an old email I wrote that felt like being stabbed in the heart.

At first I laughed, then...

A part of me wonders, "will this ever stop?"

And the rest of me wonders why I'm crying.

How am I supposed to just "move on?" How is anyone who has given all of themselves supposed to turn around and start over with someone else like nothing happened? Or do anything with anyone else? Doesn't anyone care?

temporary

When something goes from "is" to "was," from "forever" to "right now," from "always" to "at the time," from "never" to "possible," from "love" to "loved," from "need" to "needed," and on and on and on and on and

All I want is meaning and honesty. Honesty and meaning. Meaningful honesty. SOMETHING.

hypocrite

I am a hypocrite.

I do what I hate people for doing.

I think people would be better off having never met me.

Don't write this off as low self-esteem, or self-worth. I cannot feel good about myself after having done horrible things to good people.

A friend told me, "all we can do is learn from our mistakes." I'm trying. And I've been trying for years. And nothing has changed.

I am a hypocrite.

the one

if "at the time" was the case

then you should've said that

at the time

instead of promising anything

lament

how many have you done this to
devastation to find "the one"
according to your own beliefs
this will come back to you

so while you go on killing
I go on laughing
knowing the reward
given hypocrites
will shatter your
hollow resolve
into shards of regret
fake this life
while you can

realization

sitting here waiting for something
destroying what's left of nothing
because it seems it's the same
thing you want out of me

the hope still clings on
I'm reduced to a pawn
taking what you leave me
as you try to forget me

all these days and these months
and these nights and these moments
only add up to what you let them
"at the time" I know you meant it

yet I mean all I said and I
will until you look away
even then I can't stop
from loving what I see

but now I know why
was right all along
after you dared to get angry
for me guessing the truth

but wishing you ill-will
and hating who you became (or always were?)
isn't "fair" of me
so I'll leave you two alone
and hopefully one day
he does the same thing to you

what you make of it

this surgery has been by the book

sycophantic bloodletter

have you filled your quota

have you soaked up enough of me

have you had your fill

take this emptiness and file it away

you "knew" before I heard you

there's been a slight complication

you left a scalpel inside

Many ideas only work as ideas. When put into practice, these ideas never work in the real world. But go on, be idealistic. Quote your damn latin (as if the "oldness" of the language makes the statement any more truthful). Quip one-liners to your friends to make yourself seem more intelligent. And no, life working 9-5 paying bills worrying about benefits and your future and those who you love and who love you isn't "fun," but when life comes crashing down around you, I guarantee no fucking pop-culture quote is going to save you.

invalidated

cycling through so many emotions in such a short time that it's impossible to decide which one I should believe in which one is right which one matters and I guess I'm ok I'm holding up I'm distracting I'm distraction I'm drinking I'm dying I'm living I'm lying no this isn't anything this isn't what I feel this isn't what I think what I think doesn't matter what I feel doesn't matter what I know is a lie this isn't you this isn't me can't be me can't be you can't be us please let it be me

all well and good

oh, it's all well and good
he's out of the picture
time to enjoy what you have
forget the love you professed
it's all well and good
once you're free of love
free to do anything
and everything
by yourself, or
with some cute new thing
who you haven't had to
promise to
haven't said you
loved
haven't wanted to lie to (yet)
but have
flirted with
kissed with
...and yes I count that too

contradictory

let's go rip some hearts
leave them behind bleeding
while we go on drinking
from coffee mugs and smirnoffs
with "friends" who happen
to kiss us because that's
what friends do apparently
there's no caring
there's no loving
there's "you're available,
and don't know any better"
and we can't go back because
those we've left have found out
and we don't know what to say because
we don't know when we're lying
and when we do
we've forgotten what we had
traded it away for NYC
*he*, not *this*
is what's "for the best"
but we can never tell
those we've destroyed
that would just be mean

destroyed